knowledge is power

i have this god awful tendency of taking things personally. whether its being disappointed in friends, rejection from a boy or not getting a gig. somehow im always left asking "what did i do wrong?" or "how did they forget about me?" what i fail to realize is that people do what they want and there is and will always be someone or something bigger than me influencing their decisions. sometimes i factor into them-sometimes i don't. what hurts is when i don't; especially when i keep them into consideration. everytime. but that's life. its a lesson.

i seem to be on a lesson learning marathon these days.

i feel like im back in school. is there a difference between school and life? in school you're taught a lesson and then given a test. in life, you are given a test that teaches you a lesson. whether we pass or fail is up for debate, but will we learn something after every test? yes-but only if we choose to. 


dreamer versus visionary 

i am a self proclaimed big dreamer-recently ive found my hopes a little shaken then a dear friend reminded me that one of my best qualities is that not only do i dare to dream, i inspire others to have the courage to live theirs out. im a strong believer in the whole "ask and you shall receive" premise. where things get tricky is when i have to specifically identify what it is that i want. how can the universe grant your wishes when you are sending mixed messages? thus my idea-my portable vision board, i call mine the "speaking into existence" list. ive decided to do a little social experiment with the calling it "social" because im encouraging anyone who is reading this to try it out as well...see how our results match up. half the battle is getting your dreams out of our head and into the universe. get creative, dont be afraid to ask for what you want. 

  1. write down a list of 5-10 things you want to achieve.
  2. decide on the length of your experiment.
  3. set an alarm for a specified time(s) that work for you. 
  4. every time your alarm goes off read your "speaking into existence" list.  
  5. see how many things on your list come true at the conclusion of the experiment. 

i wrote my list in my "notes" on my iphone and set the alarm. when it goes off i read my list, reflect on it then reset it for the next hour every hour until bed. the deeper into the experiment you get you'll be able to get more and more vivid into the specifics of those wants. get creative, try it with a buddy! define + focus on the "what" you want and dont worry about the "how" you are going to get it. after all-knowing [what you want] is half the battle. 


the numbers game. 


in the last few weeks ive had 10+ auditions, more than i would of had in probably three months in atlanta. feels frickin good. i say that now...had you talked to me on my car ride to any of those auditions it would of been a different story. i over obsess about what im wearing, i worry i wont look like anyone else, i worry i wont stand out enough-then it flips to me analyzing what the audition will be like, what my competition will be like and how will i handle it all...will today be the day i go down in flames-or is it the one where i walk out beaming? that convo could go on for hours. i do my best to drown out my inner debbie downer with my locker room playlist to get me right. music gets me every time. the proper playlist never fails...

in los angeles at every dance audition 97% of the girls have the choreo perfectly, every modeling go-see 99% of the girls are drop dead gorgeous. its the best of the best out here. all around. look doesnt play a part-its usually the factor. it comes down to if you have what best suits the client (or who you know). in the past couple weeks i've stood in line in a leotard for over an hour with 200 girls just to hear a "thank you" ive danced in a steamy studio for 3 solid hours in pink thigh high boots just for the MEGA pop star to walk in and excuse us without even turning the music on. yesterday i had to be a happy dancing hispanic girl-or at least appear to be. 

regardless of the wants, needs or casting breakdowns-i've taught myself to trust my talent and let the powers that be take care of what will "be". whether or not i get the gig comes down to a whole nother set of politics but the biggest victory is that inner one-knowing you did your best. its okay to be a fan of yourself. 


back to the topic


im alright. im alright. im fantastic. im all right. thats the personal mantra i have going on in my over analytical virgo mind. it also happens to be the chorus to a song. 

how does one find purpose when you feel everything you were attached to was ripped away? i haven't felt like myself since the earthquake, unable to connect + unsure of who i am + no clue of what i believe in.

had you asked me march 10th i had it all figured out.

when i landed in cali, car service whisked me away to a beautiful apartment in santa monica to figure out my next move. as i unpack my life once again i evaluate my focus and redirect my energy to a better physical+ mental + spiritual state of mind. 

my life in japan is no longer existent, not on the daily like it was and my cali one is back in rotation. 

how do i move on and up? will i ever stop wondering why? how do i use what ive learned to define my purpose when everything i thought i wanted, im not sure i want it anymore?

on yet another search to discover + rediscover. ill let you know how it goes.


it was all good just week ago.

last friday history was made, in that same friday i saw my life flash before my eyes. yes so dramatic-yes so real. you can't describe how it feels to look around your room and see the drawers opening & shutting, the lamps swaying, the walls cracking--fearing for your life, praying to a higher power that this moment isn't your last. all the things you promised to do, pleading for a chance to have one more chance to fulfill your purpose. 

my life has been in fast forward since the 9.0 earthquake hit Japan, within days of it i was packing my life into suitcases for the 3rd time in 5 months. the aftershocks still haven't left my body-after living in 5 solid days of tremors your body is tricked into believing the ground below you is still shaking. i wonder how long until i will be able to let go of these fears embedded in my mind, how long itll be until i feel like myself, will this constant tension and anxiety ever fade? when will i go to bed without a bag packed and a change of clothes next to the bed? will i ever stop hiding my computer and valuables in a earthquake safe place everytime i leave the house? 

ive had some scary moments in life-this surpasses them all. i feel so vulnerable at this moment, yet it fails in comparison to the people still living in the affected areas of Japan.

this pic was taken on my iphone from my balcony in Cali. inspiration is everywhere. praying isn't enough at this point. its our turn to help. 

help japan via american red cross & itunes here